TNT’s Charles Barkley appeared on TBS’ “Conan” to talk about his deal with Weight Watchers and host Conan O’Brien opened the interview by telling Barkley, “You look fantastic! You look great! You have dropped some weight.” Barkley chastised O'Brien because he “neglected to tell me I was fat” the last time he appeared on the show. O’Brien: “It is not normally a host's role to turn to the guest and say ‘What's up, Chunks?’” O'Brien asked Barkley about the upcoming season of TNT's "Inside the NBA," which added Shaquille O'Neal during the offseason. O’Brien said of O'Neal: “Sometimes, you know, people could criticize him for maybe being a little hard to understand?” Barkley: “We blame President Obama for unemployment and everything, but I give Shaq credit. He is picking the employment up. We have to hire a translator to translate. So, he is actually helping the economy.” ... Barkley also discussed his love of soap operas while in school at Auburn. After O’Brien expressed his surprise that Barkley could make time to watch soap operas in college, Barkley said, “Well, in college I made time by not going to class.” Laughing, Conan said, “Are you listening kids?” Barkley looked into the camera and said: “Kids, if you’re as good as me, you don’t have to worry about that. They’re going to make sure you’re eligible” (“Conan,” TBS, 12/21).
MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: “Sometimes Christmas, it's like a mixed blessing. Are you feeling good about Christmas now or not? … I'm already worried about it. I don't want it to happen again this year, we ran out of mistletoe last year. So, I said to the wife, ‘What happens when people want to make-out?’ Here's what we did: We ended up using parsley. … By the way, I'm sorry. I can't guarantee that you'll get these jokes by Christmas. … Did you hear what happened? Santa's sleigh shot down over Iran? Did you hear about that? … And they won’t give it back. They won't give it back! … Also, I don't want to be the guy who brings you more bad news, but the economy stinks. I don't care what they tell you. It stinks. I've got no money. You folks have any money? If you had money, would you be here? No! … It's going to get worse. The experts are now predicting sometime next week prices of Christmas trees will plummet! … Then they get one of these jackass guys who decorate his house – or maybe you're the jackass who decorates. The guy down in Ft. Lauderdale, 100,000 bulbs to decorate the house, 100,000 Christmas tree lights and the big Santa waving at the reindeer, whatever else they do down there. 100,000 Christmas lights on your house. When you think about it, nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like being able to see your house from space. … So the guy calls his neighbors out, ‘Come on out, Doris, Bob, everybody, come out here on the street! I'm going to plug my 100,000 Christmas bulb tree light decorated house!’ Plugs it in and the entire Antarctic ice shelf melts, just collapsed” (“Late Show,” CBS, 12/21).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “Only three more shopping days till Christmas. That's what it is. Hard to believe, you know? See, this is the time where you start to make the transition from looking for just the absolutely perfect gift to, ‘Everybody likes fruit, right?’ … Actually, today is a very important day in the holiday season. This is the day when men realize nothing they order online will get here by Christmas, last chance. Believe me, folks. … You know, it's not easy sending out holiday cards to show-business friends because you have to wait till the last minute to see who’s still married. … As they do every year, al-Qaeda is threatening to launch Christmas attacks, but of course, they have to be politically correct. Now they're calling them ‘holiday attacks.’ … Russia announced this week they are building a 100-ton monster nuclear missile they call ‘Satan.’ You know, I don't think they're as into Christmas as we are. I just don't get that feeling. … Well, folks, we are learning more and more about the death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. It seems he died of a heart attack while riding on a train in North Korea. I don't think Kim Jong-Il was little, but the train he died on was going around his Christmas tree. … Hey, have you noticed what Kobe’s been doing the last couple exhibition games? He's been doing something called, ‘Bryanting.’ Do you know what that is, ‘Kobe Bryanting?’ It's like ‘Tebowing’ except when Kobe gets down on one knee, he's praying for a good divorce lawyer. … Kris Humphries has signed a one-year deal with the New Jersey Nets for $8 million. Remember the last multimillion-dollar deal he signed lasted only 72 days. So this is a whole year”(“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 12/21).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten FedEx Guy Excuses.” Letterman: “In Southern California, FedEx employee delivered a new computer monitor by tossing it over a gate on to the lawn of the house. The resident was at home at the time. The monitor was broken. …The guy thought it over, he has some excuses” (“Late Show,” CBS, 12/22).
10) “Hard to strike the right balance between dropping, crushing and losing packages.”
9) “Delivery slip didn’t say not to toss it over the fence.”
8) “Was yipped up on coffee, speed and cheap donuts.”
7) “Well, I know for next time.”
6) “Was hoping Dave would do a Top Ten list about me – mission accomplished, suckaz!!!!!”
5) “Oops!”
4) “Here at FedEx, that’s what we call ambassador service.”
3) “Still disturbed by this.” (A video of U.S. Rep Barney Frank (D-Mass.) was shown.)
2) “Work hard, play hard.”
1) “Santa drops computers down the g-ddamn chimney and nobody complains!”
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