Eagles WR
DeSean Jackson appeared on TBS’ "Lopez Tonight" last night where they discussed his game-winning punt return against the Giants. Jackson said he was "one of the fastest" players in the NFL. While showing a replay of the return, one of the key blocks was delivered by an Eagles player and Jackson said "he knocked himself out" making the block "and came back into the game." Host
George Lopez: "And came back into the game. I like that." Jackson talked about attending the same high school as rapper
Snoop Dogg and being friends with him, but Lopez said, "You really can’t hug though because you don’t want to fail a drug test" (
"Lopez Tonight," TBS, 2/1).
MONOLOGUES:CBS’ David Letterman: "The storm of the century is going to hit here tonight. But you think about it, the century? We’re 2011 so how can it be the storm of the century? It’s more like the leader in the clubhouse. … I heard the mayor, Mayor Bloomberg, talking about the storm of the century and he said as a matter of fact, we’re probably going to have to wait until spring, right around Easter, before we locate all the Mini Coopers. … We’ve had a lot of snow here in New York City and another major storm coming all across the United States. We’ve had 18 feet of snow here in New York City. They’ve had snow in Texas, they’ve had snow from the Gulf of Mexico to the Great Lakes. Wait until next month when we get hit with the frogs and the locusts. … They had so much snow in Chicago they had to use a lot of salt ... and now the city has hypertension. But so much snow in Chicago, earlier today guess what? Oprah gave everyone a snow plow. … Two million people in the streets all around Egypt demanding that Hosni Mubarak step down. It’s the angriest mob I’ve seen since the ‘Fire Dave’ rally about a year ago. They say Mubarak is being ignored by his staff and is being supported by a handful of sycophantic lunatics and…no, wait a minute. That’s me. … Now the Egyptian crowds that are protesting and rioting, they have turned against the United States. Boy, didn’t see that coming. … The good news is Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is he’s going to be replaced by his idiot son, Hosni W. Mubarak. … (Charlie Sheen) is taking his rehab at the house and they gave him one of those porn star patches that he wears. That will help him wean himself off the porn stars" ("Late Show," CBS, 2/1).
NBC’s Jay Leno: "We are so lucky here in California because the rest of the country is just in such a huge deep freeze. In fact, people in New York were shivering so much, everybody’s talking like they were in the movie ‘The King’s Speech.’ … Here in California, in his state of the state address Governor Jerry Brown compared the situation in California to that of Egypt. Ridiculous because in Egypt they speak more English then they do here. … Things are not looking good for Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. Today, he cancelled his Super Bowl party. … The Cleveland Cavaliers have now lost 21 games in a row. You know what I think the problem is: They have a cavalier attitude. … The big show business rumor was that Charlie Sheen has checked into a rehab facility called Promises in Malibu. That is not true. He’s not at Promises. He’s at a new place called Vague Assurances. … It turns out Charlie Sheen is doing his rehab at home. I guess the facility in Colombia was not available. … This home school rehab Charlie is getting is a new kind of therapy. His counselors will teach him you don’t need drugs and alcohol to enjoy whores. … Astronomers announced that exactly eight years from today the asteroid called 2002NT7 has a 1 in 200,000 chance of hitting the Earth. About the same chance Sarah Palin has of being president. … The African nation of Malawi is now planning to make breaking wind a crime. Passing gas is a crime in Malawi. More bad news for Taco Bell. … The Geezer Bandit has struck again. This is an elderly gentleman – they think he’s in his 70’s, maybe 80’s – has robbed 13 banks in 18 months. It’s unbelievable. Police say do not attempt to apprehend him. They say he is armed and extremely incontinent" ("The Tonight Show," NBC, 2/1).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s Top Ten list was "Top Ten Things You Don’t Know About Mitt Romney" and was read on-stage by Mitt Romney ("Late Show," CBS, 2/1).
10) "Mitt is short for Mitt-thew."
9) "I can’t begin my day until I’ve read the Washington Post and Kim Kardashian’s tweets."
8) "I’m the guy in the photo that comes with your picture frame."
7) "I spent 6 months in a Mexican prison for selling black market pillow pets."
6) "Do I smell as good as I look? No!"
5) "In high school I was voted ‘Mittiest.’”
4) "I got into politics for the piles and piles of paperwork."
3) "Look for my best-selling biography, ‘They Call Me Baba Romney.’”
2) "I have absolutely no idea where my birth certificate is.
1) "Oprah is my half-sister."
With the Packers and Steelers set to meet in North Texas for Super Bowl XLV on February 6, 
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