Top Ten....Evil Empire

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs Your Cable Company is Evil.” Letterman said, “This is no coincidence, this is because of this terrible thing that’s going on. I don’t understand it. Time Warner wants to pay CBS $0.75 per show and CBS wants $2 per show, and by God, ladies and gentlemen, if this isn’t a $2 show I don’t know what is” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/20).

10) “Every cooking show stars Paula Deen.”
9) “Cable box emits unpleasant petroleum odor.”
8) “You're charged 50 cents each time you change the channel.”
7) “Cable box remote control requires sixteen D-batteries.”
6) “It's run by the Amish mafia.”
5) “Employees refer to customers as 'Marks.'"
4) “One in four service calls results in strangulation by coaxial cable.”
3) “Even when you subscribe to it, Playboy channel's still scrambled.”
2) “Shows 'The Butler,' but not 'Lee Daniels' The Butler.’"
1) “Offers pay-per-view movie of cable guy having sex with your wife.”