Top Ten....Cruise Control

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs Your Pilot Is A Fake.” Letterman said, “A passenger aboard a US Airways 747 in West Palm Beach, Florida, was found sitting in the cockpit claiming to be a pilot” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/26).

10) “His wrinkled Pan Am uniform.”
9) “Excitedly tells you it’s his first time on a plane.”
8) “During takeoff, furiously flaps his arms.”
7) “He’s also in the SkyMall magazine modeling hats.”
6) “Refers to every control in the cockpit as a ‘doo-hickey.’”
5) “Insists on patting down each passenger himself.”
4) “Flies you from Gate 3 to Gate 4.”
3) “Wanders through cabin collecting ‘gas money.’”
2) “When he thanks you for flying, his mustache falls off.”
1) “He can’t hold his liquor.”