TNT’s Charles Barkley appeared on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” last night. Host Jon Stewart said, "I'm excited that basketball is back.” Barkley: “I am too. I was getting bored doing nothing.” Stewart asked, “When you retire and you think to yourself, ‘I'm going to play golf, I'm going to enjoy myself.’ How long does that enjoyment last before you think, ‘I'm going to take this club and kill somebody’?” Barkley: “Three months, because … you've got to find something to do. I said the first month is great. The second month is still pretty good. After the third month you're like, ‘Hey, this carpooling and sitting around all day is doing nothing for me.’" Barkley said the “best teams right now” are the Bulls and Heat, to which Stewart said, “So in your mind, the Knicks.” Barkley: “I really think there’s something in the water in New York because the people in New York have such an inflated ego when it comes to their team.” Stewart replied, “It's not ego. It's desperation.” Barkley responded, “Another year ain't gonna hurt you because you're not gonna win it this year.” Stewart: “A lot of people in this situation might break that news maybe more gently” (“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,” Comedy Central, 1/3).
MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: “Holidays are over, ladies and gentlemen, how do you feel about that? Kind of sad? Kind of depressed? A little morose? … I'm walking to work today and I see another big Christmas tree at Rockefeller Plaza. They've got the thing lying down by the curb. … Sidewalk Santas, what happened to the Sidewalk Santas? I'll tell you what they're doing now. They went back to selling crack. … Did you have a nice New Year's Eve? I went crazy this year, you know what I did? I went to my doctor and I said, ‘Look, this year can you mix a little champagne in with the Propofol?’ … Did you go down to watch them drop the ball? Really? Drop the ball? That's the best we can come up with? ‘Oh, it's a fumble, okay.’ (If) I'm going to see them drop the ball, hell I’ll go watch the Jets play, for God's sake. … By the way, the Jets eliminated from the playoffs. You know who I'm talking about when I say Plaxico Burress? He used to play for the Giants and then he had to go away. Now he plays for the Jets. This guy was taking it hard. He was so upset that the Jets were eliminated from the playoffs he shot himself in the other leg. … I hardly ever make New Year’s resolutions. If you don't mind, I'll share a few of them with you right now: I'm going to begin grooming my son to be my successor. … I would love to have a gallery showing off my clown paintings. … This year, I'm going to speak up more at my book club. … Going to get myself a new yoga mat. … Bring home a competitive eating trophy. … At my next scientology seminar, I'm going to introduce myself to Tom Cruise” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/3).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “You know, 2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. So we could get lucky. Have you seen the national debt? I mean, if the world doesn't end, we are so screwed. … It's hard to believe it’s 2012 already. Hold on a sec, Kobe Bryant is still writing ‘2011’ on his alimony checks. … According to the National Enquirer, Kobe Bryant cheated on his wife with 105 women. I mean, how do you explain that? The wife comes home early, you're in bed with 105 women, oh my, ‘It's not what it looks like!’ … In Denver over the holiday week, they wouldn't let a woman bring her homemade jam on this flight. She made homemade jam. They wouldn't let her bring it on the flight. I'm not going to tell you what the woman called the TSA agents, but it rhymes with Smuckers. … Police here in L.A. have detained a suspect in a huge string of arson attacks. This is really scary. This guy was going around L.A. setting dozens of cars on fire and he was setting the cars on fire the old-fashioned way: Without a Lakers championship. … The car owners whose cars were burned, they were really upset, except for the people that owned Kias. … It turns out the suspect in these L.A. arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother's immigration status. Apparently, his mom didn't know you could just walk over from Mexico. … Mitt Romney took a shot at President Obama. He said President Obama’s promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding. Hey, I wish that was true. Kim Kardashian's wedding was a huge financial success. She made a ton of money on that thing. … Today, President Obama shot back. He said Mitt Romney’s policies are a lot like Bruce Jenner’s face. Always changing, never the same” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/3).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Signs It Might Be Time To End Your Presidential Campaign.” Letterman: “They say only three people will walk away from the Iowa Caucuses” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/3).
10) “Will only answer questions from reporters who buy you a steak dinner.”
9) “Most influential supporter is some drunk guy from British Columbia.”
8) “Still aren’t sure what the hell a ‘caucus’ is.”
7) “Began last speech with, ‘As I look out at all these empty chairs ...’”
6) “People refer to you as Mitt Romney without the charisma.”
5) “Last campaign ad showed you curled up on the shower floor, crying.”
4) “Instead of Iowa, you’ve been campaigning in Idaho.”
3) “At the last debate, all you said was, ‘Whatevs.’”
2) “Your mom keeps reminding you that, if this President thing doesn’t work out, your Uncle Phil has a job for you at his department store.”
1) “Chief of Staff spent the weekend in Los Angeles setting car fires.”
