CBS’ David Letterman: “Everybody have an enjoyable Halloween? We had quite a few trick-or-treaters up at the house, and here's how I know exactly that we had quite a few trick-or-treaters. I'm leaving the property this morning and the barbed wire fence, you know around the place, it is covered with ripped costumes, kids trying to climb over. … Did you see the Halloween parade here in New York? It's the world's biggest Halloween celebration anywhere in the world here in New York City, and what a parade. It begins on Canal Street and then works its way all around and then it comes right out and it ends at Neil Patrick Harris' house. … JetBlue and, you know, the people occupying Wall Street, anybody down there to see those folks? JetBlue and Occupy Wall Street have the same slogan now, ‘We’re not going anywhere!’ … The only thing that JetBlue does on-schedule is issue apologies. … Ladies and gentlemen, here's good news from the White House. President Obama had his annual physical, his annual checkup, everything looks good. His cholesterol is down. Blood pressure, this is surprising. Blood pressure is down. Approval ratings, down. … Obama is fit and eats healthy foods and Fox News says that proves he's not a real American. … Thank you so much for tuning in and welcome to our continuing coverage of the Kim Kardashian divorce. NBA player, soon to be ex-husband Kris Humphries, and Kim getting a divorce after 72 days. He's being replaced by Ashton Kutcher. … Kim, for the divorce, will be wearing the same dress her mother wore when she got divorced. … I worry about her husband. He's not taking it well. They found him today hiding in a storm drain with a gold gun” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/1).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “I like shaking hands with the people in the front row. You share a brief moment, you know what I'm saying? You have a few seconds of physical contact and then it's over. Kind of like a Kardashian wedding. … I guess you heard Kris Humphries has a new reality show, ‘Kicked out of the Kardashians,’ on the E! Network. … After just 72 days of marriage, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from her husband, 72 days. I was out at 10:00 longer than that. … You know something? Forget Rick Santorum saying we should ban gay marriage. We need to ban celebrity marriages. Those are the embarrassing ones. … TMZ is reporting one of the reasons they broke up was that Kris wanted to live in Minnesota and Kim didn't, which is understandable. You ever been to Minnesota in the winter time? You could freeze your ass off, and in Kim’s case that could be fatal. That could be career-ending … Did you all have a nice Halloween? These kids are so creative. A kid comes to my door last night, got a bunch of dryer lint piled on his head. I said, ‘Who are you?’ He said, ‘Donald Trump.’ … I like Halloween. It gives you a chance to dress up like something you're not, you know? Like when the Miami Dolphins put on football uniforms. It's fun to pretend. … Isn’t that cute when you see them go out? It's like they're playing football! … I'm going to take some of the credit for this because we've been talking about this every night. Bank of America has scrapped plans for that $5 debit fee. … They say, rather than do something so up front that offends people, they would get us with a $10 hidden fee we'll never see coming somewhere down the line” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 11/1).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things That Have Lasted Longer Than The Kardashian Marriage” (“Late Show,” CBS, 11/1).
10) “Chris Christie’s lunch hour.”
9) “A conversation with Regis.”
8) “Any of Brett Favre’s ‘retirements.’”
7) “The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles – can I get an amen?”
6) “Herman Cain’s Chief of Staff, Mark Block’s exhale.’” (A clip was aired of Herman Cain’s campaign ad featuring Block exhaling cigarette smoke.)
5) “ABC’s remake of ‘Charlie’s Angels.’”
4) “My fatwa.”
3) “Moammar Gadhafi in the drain pipe.”
2) “‘The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.’”
1) “This Top Ten list.”
