Mavericks Owner Mark Cuban appeared on Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report” last night and host Stephen Colbert said, “My guest tonight is a billionaire entrepreneur and the owner of the NBA champion Dallas Mavericks. The interview won't really get exciting until the fourth quarter.” Colbert said of the Mavericks winning the NBA Championship, “People said it couldn’t be done.” Cuban: “They told me year after year, ‘You're an idiot. It's never going to happen,’ and here we are, champs.” Colbert asked, “What are billionaires like?” Cuban: “We're kind, we're caring, we're the type of person you want your daughter or son to marry. I mean, we're just really down-to-earth people.” Colbert: “So you can be a nice guy and be a billionaire?” Colbert wondered, “As a billionaire, do you get hit up for cash by politicians all the time?” Cuban: “All the time. I mean, I get phone calls, e-mails, letters, FedEx, UPS, everything.” Colbert: “Has Karl Rove ever hit you up for money?” Cuban: “He sent me a ham.” Cuban said he has not “given to a political campaign or politician in years. It’s been a long time.” Colbert: “So you're due. You're like the slot machine that's all warmed up. The right person's just got to stick a quarter in you” (“The Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 9/29).
MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: “Happy Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah. We celebrated – if you are not aware of this – last night at Zabar’s Delicatessen. At midnight, they drop a giant matzah ball off the roof. … It's the year 5772. All day long, I've been writing 5771 on my checks. Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. We're celebrating not only the Jewish New Year tonight, but that's the 30th consecutive year I've told that joke. … Another new show here on CBS called ‘Unforgettable.’ There are six people in the world who remember everything. Every detail of every minute they have been alive. The woman remembers everything, and here's the kicker. She's a Red Sox fan. I mean the Red Sox. I don't even know where you begin because this is the greatest single collapse in baseball in September. They went back and documented and honest to God, ladies and gentlemen, I haven't seen anybody choke like this. Well, the other day I was watching that Paris Hilton thing on the Internet. … Andy Rooney, what a guy. Talk about the ironhorse of American television, ninety two years old. I mean, the guy has been everywhere. He has seen everything and telling somebody in an interview the only thing he has left on his bucket list is Barbara Walters. … How about the governor from the great Garden State of New Jersey, Governor Chris Christie? He keeps saying he is not running for President. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa. Let's for a second think that maybe he will run and he is elected, you can say goodbye to the White House vegetable garden. Hello White House Olive Garden! Perfect fit: Oval office, oval president. It makes perfect sense” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/29).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “Before we begin tonight, if you have little children, here's a warning that just came out today from the government. Listen to this: More than 1.7 million toy workshop and tool sets from the toymaker Little Tikes are being recalled because of a choking hazard. To give you an idea of how serious this is, I think some of these may have fallen into the hands of the Boston Red Sox and the Atlanta Braves. … As you know, the Red Sox (and) Atlanta Braves are out of the playoffs now after two of the biggest chokes in the history of baseball. Man, these two teams, they collapsed faster than Nancy Grace's underwire bra! I haven't seen anybody blow a lead like that since Rick Perry. … President Obama now claims his new jobs bill will be more successful than his last jobs bill. Oh, let's not set that bar too high. Make sure you can reach those dizzying heights. … A Long Island college student faces a year in prison for taking seven high school students SATs for them for money. For thousands of dollars, he took the tests. See, these kids need to understand the only place cheating will ever get you in this country, maybe a high-paying job on Wall Street. … Police in Cleveland arrested a married couple for abandoning their foster child at a Cleveland Browns game on Sunday. They took their foster kid to this game, they got so drunk they drove off without him and of course, the kid was traumatized. Not by being abandoned, by being forced to watch the Cleveland Browns game. You know, usually the only thing that gets abandoned at a Browns game is hope and maybe dignity” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/29).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Overheard In The Boston Red Sox Clubhouse” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/29).
10) “We’ll get 'em tomorrow … wait, what?”
9) “We’re still getting paid, right.”
8) “Baseball is just a game, no one’s going to be angry.”
7) “What is FEMA doing here?”
6) “This wouldn’t have happened if Chris Christie were president.”
5) “Hey, early vacation!”
4) “This is what happens when half the team takes off for Rosh Hashanah.”
3) “I was takin’ a leak, did we win?”
2) “At least we’re not this guy.” (Video was aired of a fan in the stands being hit in the groin by a foul ball)
1) “We went down faster than Nancy Grace’s top, am I right people?”
Red Sox Owner 
