Lakers F Ron Artest appeared on ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live” last night and ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel introduced him by saying, “Over the past six years, many great athletes have competed on ‘Dancing With The Stars,’ but none of them even as much fun as our next guest." Artest appeared in a “Warier Brand” T-shirt and Mets cap. Kimmel asked him about his name change, saying, “What’s your name now? Is it okay to call you Ron or have you switched to Metta World Peace?” Artest: “I don't really know yet. I've got to pay some parking tickets.” Kimmel told Artest, “If you change your name to ‘Jimmy Kimmel's Pal Metta World Peace,’ I will pay all your parking tickets.” If Artest successfully changes his name, he said “World Peace” would be on the back of his Lakers jersey. Kimmel: “This could open up some endorsement opportunities.” Artest: “That's not what I'm promoting here.” Kimmel replied, “I know but it's what I'm promoting.” Kimmel asked, “What will happen if the NBA season comes back and you’re still dancing?” Artest: “I’m going to dance to, on the basketball court at the Staples Center.” Kimmel replied, “So you will drop out of ‘Dancing With The Stars’ if the season (starts)?” Artest: “I will try to do both. I will bring my partner with me and dance at the jumpball.” Kimmel: “The Lakers will love that” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 9/8).
MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: “When the fashion people are in town, we, of course in the know, we call them fashionistas. I was coming to work this morning on the subway, and there was a guy looking at me. Nothing unusual there. Pretty soon he comes over, and he pulls out a tape measure and he starts to measure my inseam. I said, ‘Oh my gosh! Are you in the fashion business?’ He says, ‘No. I just like your show.’ … Do you know what tomorrow is? Tomorrow is ‘Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Line Day.’ It should be a lot of fun. … Did you see the Republican presidential candidate's debate? Say good-bye to apathy. I'm telling you, these guys and Michele O’Bachmann, they looked like a town council that was outlawing dance. Didn’t they? They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river. I wanted to TiVo the debate because I couldn’t stay up. So I TiVo-ed the debate. It was so dull my TiVo fell asleep. … They're always on the lookout for gas. They’re waiting on the politicians to make gas and poor Mitt Romney, halfway through the debate he asked that Michele O’Bachmann, he asked her if she would bring him a cocktail. It was horrible. … Rick Perry, you can smell his cologne through the TV. He doesn’t believe in global warming, thinks social security is a Ponzi scheme, has executed 234 people. In other word, he’s a Republican moderate. He's a centrist. … Rick Perry wrote a book. I guess it was a best seller called ‘Fed Up.’ … So he wrote the book ‘Fed Up’ and then New Jersey Governor Chris Christie also wrote a book that I think was a best seller. It's called ‘Overfed’” (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/8).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the big Republican debate last night. They only agreed on one thing: Shampoo, rinse and repeat. … Don’t Romney and Perry look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera? Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it's the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library. … They have Air Force One, Reagan’s actual Air Force One parked right inside the building. That's about as close to Air Force One as any of those candidates are ever going to get. … Michele Bachmann says she could get us back to $2 gas. Please. The only place where you’re going to get $2 gas: Taco Bell. … It got kind of contentious when Ron Paul attacked Rick Perry. Yeah, Ron Paul. Did you see it? He attacked Rick Perry for supporting Al Gore back in '88. Back in 1988, Rick Perry was a big Al Gore fan. But to be fair, even Tipper Gore was supporting Al Gore back then. Did you know Perry used to be a Democrat? But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat. … President Obama gave his big jobs speech. So we had tonight this guy whose job nobody approves of giving a speech about jobs that don't exist to people who don't have any jobs. … According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction and 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they are thinking about moving back to Mexico. … Dutch prosecutors are charging a 42-year-old woman with stalking after she allegedly called her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times. Little clingy? The guy did everything to avoid getting the phone calls. He even switched to T-Mobile, but six of them still got through” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/8).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s edition of NBC’s “The Tonight Show” aired a taped segment from Australian comedian Rove McManus from Green Bay prior to last night’s Saints-Packers game. Leno told the studio audience, “We wanted to get an outsider's take on our country's crazy love for football so we sent a special correspondent from Australia.” Mcmanus noted the Packers “are the only American professional sports franchise owned by the people (as) 112,158 fans – I counted them all individually – own Packers’ stock and they live, breathe, eat, eat, eat and eat the Green Bay Packers.” McManus talked to several Packers players, including LB Clay Matthews, with McManus asking, “How many people ask to touch your hair on a daily basis?” Matthews: “Women, probably anywhere from five to ten. Men, occasionally one.” McManus said just before touching Matthews’ hair, “Wait a minute. I need some music.” After eating a brownie and taking a bite from a stick of butter at a fan’s tailgate, McManus said, “Not only have I become a Packers fan, I think I've also become diabetic.” McManus said, “So what did Lambeau Field teach me about America? Well certainly, there's no amount of cholesterol they can't tackle” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 9/8).
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of ‘Two and a Half Men.’” Actors Ashton Kutcher, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones, stars of CBS’ “Two and a Half Men,” presented the list via satellite while sitting on a couch on the set of their sitcom in Burbank, Calif. (“Late Show,” CBS, 9/8).
10) “If you had a hit show, I'd watch it.”
9) “Television is a great way to avoid interacting with your family.”
8) “I need to pay for a really big new house.”
7) “If you don't, I'll make ‘Dude, Where's My Car? 2’”
6) “The economy sucks; our show's free – What more do you need?”
5) “This season, we'll reveal who the mother is.”
4) “We're switching to metric, so it'll be ‘4.023 Men.’”
3) “I'm thirty-five g**damn years old.”
2) “It's like ‘The Odd Couple,’ but we get to use the word ‘wiener.’”
1) “Watch it, don't watch it – I get paid either way.”
