CBS’ David Letterman: “You know what happens in August? All the psychiatrists and psychologists and therapy counselors go on vacation in August. So today I had to tell my cab driver that I was a man trapped in a woman's body. And tomorrow, I'm going on Dr. Phil's show. … There was a theological poll. The category of the poll is ‘Do you think God is doing a good job?’ So they're trying to determine among the faithful the approval rating of God. His approval rating is down. We could be looking at a one-term God. Here's how it breaks down: 52% of the people participating in the poll approve of the job God is doing. The other 48% were turned into pillars of salt. … Happy birthday today to President Barack Obama. 50 years old today. He got some lovely things: China gave him an extension on his rent. Newt Gingrich gave him a $500,000 gift certificate to Tiffany’s. They bring in the cake and the candles and he makes a wish and he blows out the candles. He opens his eyes and oh, darn, he's still president. … A year ago the Chilean miners were rescued. That was the feel good story of 2010. I think the feel good story of 2009 is when the guy landed the plane in the Hudson. I was thinking ‘well what's the feel good story of 2011?’ Anthony Weiner. … On this date in 1884, the cornerstone of the Statue of Liberty was first laid in New York City. How about that? A gift to us from the French. We still apparently had to build it. In 1884, I think, Barbara Walters – also first laid” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/4).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “The market is so bad, Mila Kunis is now looking for friends with pension benefits. The stock market is so bad, the ‘Twilight’ kids are biting people’s necks and then selling it to the blood banks. The stock market is so bad, today Tobey Maguire and A-Rod switched from poker to ‘Go Fish.’ … In just nine days they're gonna hold the Iowa straw poll. Straw poll. Doesn't that sound like some kind of date with Charlie Sheen? … In Omaha, Nebraska, police shut down a 4-year-old girl's lemonade stand because she didn't have the necessary licenses and permits. You know what they say: ‘When life gives you lemonade, be sure to fill out form 403b and submit it to the State Board of Equalization.’ … The FBI has finally revealed the identity of famed hijacker D.B. Cooper. They say his real name is L.D. Cooper. He changed the first letter. He’s not the first one to do this. In fact, Bonnie and Clyde eluded capture for years by calling themselves Clyde and Bonnie. … Hugh Hefner posted a picture of himself planking on Twitter. Is that the best idea when you're 85 years old, lying facedown, completely motionless? By the time you explain to people it's a joke they've already buried you. … A new lingerie basketball league has just started up. All the players are wearing lingerie. How the Clippers spend their time during the lockout – that's their business. … According to a new study, people in their 40s are happier with their sex lives than people in their 20s – especially if they’re in their 40s and they’re having sex with someone in their 20s” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/4).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s edition of Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report” featured Stephen Colbert hosting a segment called “Stephen Colbert’s Sports Report.” Colbert said, “This season two records of the grid diamond might have to fall that have stood for 100 years, both held by Brooklyn catcher Bill Bergen, who played from 1901 to 1911.” Colbert: “Bergen is considered the worst hitter in baseball history. He holds the records for the lowest season batting average and the most consecutive at-bats without a hit. He's so bad he's been named an honorary Chicago Cub.” Colbert continued to say Bergen’s “streak of 46 consecutive hitless at-bats” could be broken by Brewers 2B Craig Counsell, “who is 0 for his last 45.” Colbert then flashed a picture of Counsell’s batting stance, saying it “made him ineffective against curveballs, but deadly against piñatas.” Colbert also said Bergen’s “all-time low season batting average of .139 is becoming challenged by Adam Dunn, who is currently batting .166.” Colbert: “I haven't seen someone with that much trouble getting to first base since me.” Colbert added that Dunn is the “White Sox designated hitter, which is like making Billy Joel your designated driver.” Colbert also previewed what his takeover of the MLB Twitter feed would look like (“The Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 8/4).
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/4).
10) “Updated his resume.”
9) “Treated himself to piece of First Lady's carob-flavored kelp loaf birthday cake.”
8) “Asked for an iPad, let Republicans negotiate him down to a wad of gum.”
7) “Pizza and video games at Washington kids' restaurant ‘Chuck E. Schumer's.’”
6) “Asked for any cash gifts to be in Canadian dollars.”
5) “Sent 82nd Airborne on In-N-Out Burger run.”
4) “Invited fun costumed characters.” (A picture of former U.S. Rep. David Wu dressed in a tiger costume flashed on screen.)
3) “‘Shark Week’ and two pints of Chubby Hubby.”
2) “Got a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband.”
1) “Forged a Kenyan birth certificate to get him out of this miserable job.”
