Tennis player Novak Djokovic appeared on NBC’s “The Tonight Show” last night and after sitting down on-stage, host Jay Leno told him, “The last time you were here, you were No. 3. You skipped the whole No. 2 thing and now you're back as No. 1, so congratulations.” Djokovic: “Thanks. You always believed in me, right? That's why you invited me.” Leno said after winning Wimbledon, “you ate grass. What was that?” Djokovic: “That was something, something that I cannot explain.” Leno: “The band will often use grass, but in a whole different area.” Djokovic added, “In my dreams, the grass tasted much sweeter. There it had this flavor of my sweat, the opponent's sweat. It didn't really feel great. It came naturally, I think.” Djokovic said he loves to do karaoke, but he is “a terrible singer.” His favorite karaoke song is Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.” Djokovic: “I can scream with that song.” Leno: “I like the fact you know you have a bad voice, so you pick a bad song. I love that.” At the end of the interview Djokovic told Leno, “I have a surprise for you tonight. I have Serbian dancers so please, Serbian dancers, come on in!” At this point, a troupe of Serbian dancers performed on-stage wearing traditional Serbian clothes and were joined by Leno, Djokovic and fellow guest, actress Katie Holmes (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/2).
MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: “I think we're all breathing easier because they got that thing in Washington solved. They say we avoided economic disaster. Now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not an economic disaster? … The economy has gotten so bad, I had to buy everybody in the audience shirts. … A lot of rancor, a lot of dissention, a lot of fighting and a lot of people bickering. Republicans, Democrats pitting against each other, a lot of snarling and hissing. Vice President Joe Biden has now gone on record. He referred to the Tea Party as ‘terrorists.’ This is a real slap in the face to terrorists. … You know about the NFL? A few years ago the New York Giants – what a team, Eli Manning – won the Super Bowl and one of the star players was Plaxico Burress. After the Super Bowl, he and his friends were going out to celebrate and they went to Applebee's. He took his gun with him. Plaxico’s gun accidentally went off and shot himself in the leg. He went to prison for two-and-a-half years. If he shot somebody else, he would have been out in a month. … Tiger Woods has announced that he will be participating in the Bridgestone Open. How about that? He's coming back to the PGA. It's fascinating and it’s going to be interesting to see how he does because Tiger hasn't played a round in three months. Let me rephrase that: He hasn't played golf in three months. … A woman in New Jersey was working at the drive-through window at Dunkin' Donuts and also she was a prostitute. She was selling sexual activities at the drive through window at Dunkin' Donuts. Top that Starbucks! If anything puts me in the mood for sex it's a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through window” (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/2).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “They now say that even though we've raised the debt ceiling, they may still downgrade our credit rating. To give you an idea how bad our credit is, President Obama asked China for another loan. He has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign. … The economy is so bad. Remember when President Reagan called America a ‘shining city on a hill?’ We're now a homeless camp under a bridge. The economy is so bad, everybody on ‘Sesame Street’ is living in a trash can. The economy is so bad, Arnold Schwarzenegger hired a maid just to clean the house. … In New Jersey, a Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for working as a prostitute during her breaks. No chance to run into any cops there, huh? … Police in South Carolina found a kilo of cocaine hidden inside a man's prosthetic leg. Police got suspicious when they clocked the guy jogging at 110 miles-an-hour. Charlie Sheen said today he'd give that guy his right arm for that leg. … This past weekend, the top video game players in America competed in a tournament right here in Southern California to find the best gamer in America. First prize, the winner gets to keep his virginity. … Kind of a shocker at the box office this weekend. ‘The Smurfs’ came very close to tying with ‘Cowboys and Aliens.’ That just proves sometimes a big budget movie filled with special effects could be upset by another big budget movie filled with special effects. … The latest rumor is Spencer Pratt and his annoying wife, Heidi Montag, they're now so broke they're living in his parents' house in Santa Barbara. Finally, some good news comes out of this recession. … MTV turned 30 years old this weekend. Or as they call that on ‘Teen Mom,’ a great-grandmother” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 8/2).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New Season of ‘Big Brother.’” Letterman: “It started as a show in Europe, I believe. They would put a bunch of thugs and ne'er-do-wells and miscreants and convicts and guys who worked as bouncers in bars and they would put them all in a house and they would leave them there for like 90 days and they would see. The idea was to get them to kill one another.” The list was presented on-stage by CBS’ ‘Big Brother’ host Julie Chen (“Late Show,” CBS, 8/2).
10) “This season will have 50% more grab-ass.”
9) “It's even more high definitioner!”
8) “If you get the Immunity Idol, you cannot get kicked off at the Tribal Council or whatever - look, we're in our 13th season. I'm tired.”
7) “It's the only show on CBS that isn't about inspecting corpses.”
6) “Economy stinks, too hot outside - what else are you gonna do?”
5) “It's the only place you can see stuff like this.” (The show aired a clip of contestants dressed as cows jumping up and down.)
4) “The ‘Big Brother’ house is overrun with feral goats.”
3) “There's a good chance you'll see people gettin' it on.”
2) “If you don't, I'll have my husband Les Moonves fire Dave.”
1) “14 housemates; one toilet.”
MLB, the Royals and the city of K.C. yesterday unveiled the official logo of the '12 All-Star Game at Kauffman Stadium. The design features elements of the Royals' crown logo, which is adorned with stars in this case. The club's blues and metallic golds are incorporated into the theme of a family crest (MLB).
76ers C 
