Group Created with Sketch.
Volume 25 No. 51
  • Created with Sketch.
  • Created with Sketch.
  • Created with Sketch.

Laugh Track....

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon appeared on NBC’s “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” last night, with host Jimmy Fallon saying, “Our next guest is one of the greatest drivers in NASCAR history, winning again this past Sunday, which tied him for No. 3 in all-time victories. He also stars in the animated film, ‘Cars 2.’” Fallon noted he and Gordon acted together on Fallon’s movie “Taxi” and also on NBC’s “SNL.” Gordon: “I have no idea how that happened. … ‘SNL’ is to me like one of the coolest, greatest experiences ever. My heart was pounding out of my chest.” Fallon: “Even as a NASCAR driver, I mean your adrenaline must be pumping all the way through and still ‘Saturday Night Live’ is a rush to you?” Gordon: “Oh my gosh, yeah. You know, getting ready to go qualify at some of the tracks, you definitely get your heart going for that. But (in acting) I'm totally out of my element, not comfortable with whatever it is they were wanting me to do, but I was excited to be on the show.” Fallon said of working with Gordon on the set of “Taxi,” “We played Xbox in your trailer. I was like, ‘I'll race you.’ It's the only way I would ever race you.” Fallon congratulated Gordon on winning this past weekend’s Sprint Cup Series 5-Hour Energy 500 and said, “I went to a couple NASCAR events and … it's the most fun thing. I mean, a lot of New Yorkers probably don't know it as much, but go out and try it because it's the most amazing (event). It's almost like going to Lollapalooza or something.” Gordon: “It is really like a cult following” (“Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” NBC, 6/14).

Monologues:

CBS’ David Letterman: “Got a lot of folks here from out of town, tourists in New York City. Here's the deal: You go to any New York City park, say for example, Central Park. They now have WiFi in Central Park. Honest to God, it's true, you can take your computer up there, you get the WiFi coming out. … You know why they have WiFi in Central Park? God forbid we as Americans go a minute of our lives without connecting to Internet porn! … Think about it: Tourists in New York City, first-timers in New York City, in Central Park with laptops. What could possibly go wrong? … I know we've got a lot of baseball fans in the audience tonight, and here’s something to keep your eye on. Derek Jeter, the captain, is six hits away from 3,000 career base hits playing for the Yankees. That's amazing, isn't it? And when he gets 3,000 hits it's a huge deal. Plus, he also gets Kate Hudson. ... What a coincidence, Anthony Weiner is six nude photos away from 3,000. … What is Anthony Weiner really guilty of? Really, what is he guilty of? Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll tell what the man is guilty of. He’s guilty of being too photogenic. … Did you see the Republican debate last night? Oh my God! Those guys up there and Michele Bachmann and it was exciting and you know who did well? Michele Bachmann did well. Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate from Tiffanys. … I like that Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann. They look like the Channel 7 news team, don't they? ‘Eyewitness News with Mitt and Michele’” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/14).

NBC’s Jay Leno: “Just received some terrible news. The band will be shocked. The Hugh Hefner/Crystal Harris wedding is off. … He's 85, she just turned 25. I wonder what happened. I guess he got cold feet. Not scared, just, you know, circulation problems. … Hugh Hefner's fiancée called it off. You know what happened? Apparently, she caught him looking at pictures of naked women. … You see this guy who says he's going to dive down into the Indian Ocean, find the body of Osama bin Laden and bring it up to the surface. You know who the guy is doing it? It's President Obama. He needs to shoot bin Laden again, get those poll numbers up. … The economy is so bad in New Jersey, Snooki couldn't afford to go to a tanning salon. She rubs her body with Cheeto dust. That's how bad. The economy is so bad in Washington, Newt Gingrich is now buying his jewelry at Costco. … (Congressman Anthony Weiner’s) friends say if he quits, he doesn't know what else to do. I don't know. He seems to like photography. … It's now being reported that during this whole scandal Anthony Weiner called Bill Clinton for advice, and Weiner actually followed Clinton's advice for a while. Then, of course, he was eventually forced to tell the truth. … Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid gave an interview with the British press. She said that when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father, he said, ‘Cool,’ and it was a big improvement. Up to this point the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme. … In Chicago – this is unusual – a lawyer complained to a judge that his opponent’s assistant was distracting the jurors because her breasts were so big. She had such big breasts, the jurors were distracted. The judge said, ‘I’m sorry, what?’” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/14).

Late Night Laughs:

Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Changes To The Spider-Man Broadway Show” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/14).

10) “What's to change? It's perfect!”
9) “Opened extra box-office for refunds.”
8) “New sidekick, Concussion Boy.”
7) “Lots of songs about cast members filling out workman's compensation forms.”
6) “Plagiarized word-for-word from the hit Broadway show ‘Jackie Mason: The Ultimate Jew.’”
5) “Following Tony Awards sweep, renamed the show ‘Spider-Mormon.’”
4) “Story is now mostly about Spider-Man's wacky next-door neighbor, Roy.”
3) “It's just like the Spider-Man movies, minus the stars, special effects and safety regulations.”
2) “Accidents now accompanied by hilarious ‘boing’ sound effect.”
1) “To help more Americans identify with him, Spider-Man now weighs 350 pounds.”