Comedian Drew Carey appeared on TBS' "Lopez Tonight" last night and talked about being inducted into the WWE HOF. Carey: "The WWE Hall of Fame doesn't actually exist anywhere. There's no building if you want to go visit it. ... They started it in the '90s, and they started inducting famous wrestlers, but also for publicity purposes to help people watch the ceremony that aren't wrestling fans, they induct celebrities. Bob Uecker is in it and Pete Rose is in it, William 'Refrigerator' Perry is in it, and me." Carey also talked about being an MLS Sounders investor, with host George Lopez saying, "Your team's doing great." Carey: "We just started the season, and we're doing okay. But we've done great in the first couple of years. This is our third season. We've done really great, but slow start to this season. But we will do great. Believe me, or heads are going to roll." Lopez: "You're a good owner. Some of the football players now that they are on lockout, like (Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco), is on Kansas City, but on the reserve team." Carey: "He's lucky to be on the reserve team." Lopez asked, "So you aren't prepared to offer him a real contract?" Carey: "No. If he wants to show up and give us some publicity and practice with us that would be great. It did good for Kansas City" ("Lopez Tonight," TBS, 4/5).
THE MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: "Because the city is running out of money, New York City is having budgetary problems like everybody else, they laid off pest control workers. I know what you're thinking: 'Wait a minute, New York had pest control workers?' I had no idea. … It's no longer Lindsay Lohan, it's now Lindsay. She dropped her last name. Hell, she should have dropped that necklace. She's moving to New York City. She already got a beautiful place, a lovely apartment, brand new over at that building, One Felony Plaza. … I like to compare things, and doing your taxes is pretty much exactly like going to see the Charlie Sheen road show. In both cases, you're hoping for a refund. … Charlie has done his show starting in Detroit, then he went to Cleveland and I think tonight he's in another city, I don't know where he is tonight, and this weekend coming to New York City Radio City Music Hall. So if you're going to be in town in New York City this weekend, good luck finding a hooker. … Boy, I feel kind of sick for Butler. I mean, two years in a row, you know? Kind of just, kind of empty. Kind of empty and aching is how I feel. … UConn, the Huskies won. ... The Huskies and the Bulldogs: Michael Vick said, 'That's a championship.' … Talking about the economy, they're talking about now they may have to shut down the government because of no budget. That's crazy, isn't it? This is serious. We may have to suspend all three of these wars. … You'll know when the government officially closes when John Boehner's face goes from orange to red. That will be it” ("Late Show," CBS, 4/5).
NBC's Jay Leno: "Congratulations to UConn, they beat Butler 53-41 to win the NCAA championship. What happened to Butler? I think Snooki put up a better fight at Wrestlemania. … What was that, 18%? Was that the shooting percentage? I haven't seen anyone shoot that badly since the last time Cheney went hunting. … I don't want to say it was a dull game. It was. But at halftime, people were leaving to go catch Charlie Sheen's live show. ... There were a lot of opportunities for gambling this weekend. You could gamble on basketball, gamble on baseball, gamble on flying Southwest Airlines. … Southwest Airlines is already trying to capitalize on this whole thing. Their new slogan: 'No frills, all thrills.' Apparently, on Southwest a roof is considered a frill. … Authorities in the country of Mali, which is in West Africa, arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with ten tons of cocaine crashed. Today, Charlie Sheen called it the worst air disaster in human history. … European researchers believe a gene called FTO causes obesity in children. Other genes that cause obesity: KFC, A&W, T.G.I.F. These are all related. … McDonald's announced they're going to be hiring 50,000 new employees later this month. That's when you know Americans are getting fat, when McDonald's needs more boots on the ground. … Last night on 'Dancing with the Stars,' Kirstie Alley and her partner fell. He got a charlie horse and they fell over, but they got right back up, and they got high marks too, which is good, because without Kirstie the show would be called 'Dancing With Who The Hell Are These People'" ("The Tonight Show," NBC, 4/5).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Letterman after his monologue took a few minutes to talk about Butler's loss to UConn in the NCAA tournament championship game. Letterman: "When I was a kid I lived, like, ten minutes from Butler University campus. Tiny, tiny little school. Literally like six students. … On and off they've had a pretty good basketball program but now they've got them this coach,
Brad Stevens. Who is … well, he had a paper route, and then he started coaching. He's only 17 now. … He got Butler into the finals last year and then he got them into the finals this year and this year I was hoping but, you know, Connecticut,
Jim Calhoun… They had a scoring drought. They shot 18% from the field,18%. That's not very high, and there was a period of time, like 15 minutes, where they didn't score anything. It was awful and I think here's what happens. This is my assessment after taking a look at it. They're just kids from Indiana, like me. They're just from Indiana and many of them have never been out of the city, let alone out of the state. They take them down there to Texas like they are some kind of carnival thing and they're made to perform and they get a little, I don’t want to use the word 'scared' but … they're timid because they're away from home maybe for the first time. And God bless them and that's all I have on that" (
"Late Show," CBS, 4/5).
ABC's
Jimmy Kimmel: "Last night was elimination night in the world of college basketball. The
University of Connecticut Huskies beat the Butler Bulldogs in a very low-scoring game, 53-41. That was the final score. It was the lowest scoring national championship game since the year the ball got stuck on the roof halfway through the first half and everyone had to go home. … The end of college basketball means the beginning of a new season of Major League Baseball and the return of one of baseball's most cherished traditions, which is the drunken fan running around on the field" (
"Jimmy Kimmel Live," ABC, 4/5).
Last night's Top Ten list was "Top Ten Southwest Airlines Excuses" (
"Late Show," CBS, 4/5).
10) "It's not a hole, it’s a sunroof."
9) "Wanted to be known for more than just our chaotic seating policy."
8) "Cabin was getting a little stuffy."
7) "Who cares? At least we don't fly to Dayton."
6) "Hello? Fashion Week? Torn fuselages are in!"
5) "Don't think of them as cracks, think of them as nooks and crannies."
4) "It's called an 'air' plane, not an 'airtight' plane."
3) "Excuses? Well how 'bout a thank you?"
2) "April Fools!"
1) "Our mechanics get less sleep than our pilots."
The SI Golf Group has released "Front9," a new mobile golf application for the iPhone and iPad. The $2.99 single-purchase product, the first such app from the SI Golf Group, features news, instruction tips, equipment reviews, travel content, and other information. Updated weekly, the format is structured around "nine essential items" golfers need to know. Launch sponsors are Fidelity, TaylorMade and Myrtle Beach Golf Holiday, and the trio will remain on the app through the second quarter. 
ESPN’s 
