The latest episode of NBC's "SNL" wasted no time having fun at the expense of LANCE ARMSTRONG and MANTI TE'O, as they were both "featured" in the show's opening sketch. Cast member TARAN KILLAM portrayed talk show host PIERS MORGAN, with cast member JASON SUDEIKIS playing Armstrong, Morgan’s guest. Morgan said, “Joining me first is a man I consider to be the most despicable, vile human being ever to set foot on planet Earth and I’m so happy to have him.” Armstrong: “I’m excited to be here tonight to apologize to all the viewers out there who couldn’t find the OWN network on their televisions.” Morgan said a lot of people "said that you showed no remorse whatsoever.” Armstrong angrily shouted, “Who said that!? Who!? They're liars, those fat bitches!” Then Armstrong calmed down and said, “I’m totally sorry. That was my fault. I accept full responsibility even though you did provoke me. So the blame is probably 70/30 on you. Also, a lot of the reason I just yelled was because of the cancer I had, which is not an excuse, unless you think it is. The most important thing is I never, ever called anyone a fat bitch.” When asked if he could elaborate on his “sophisticated system of doping,” Armstrong said it was not that sophisticated and added, “All I actually did was steroids, testosterone, human growth hormone, EPO and I replaced all of my blood with better blood. Is that sophisticated? I don’t know. Is it cheating? Maybe. Am I sorry I did it? Yes-ish. PS: No.”
MY MOST IMAGINARY FRIEND: Morgan then introduced Te’o, played by cast member BOBBY MOYNIHAN, who joined the interview via satellite. Te’o said of his girlfriend, “The sad fact is I was the victim of a cruel and senseless hoax.” Morgan said that it “must be devastating to deal with.” Te’o: “It’s even more devastating for my girlfriend, Lennay.” Morgan said, “Lennay was the hoax. She’s not a real person.” Te’o said, “Oh, right, now I get it. Man, Lennay is going to be pissed.” Te’o said of the moment he found out his girlfriend was dead, “A couple months ago she called me up on the phone and she was like, ‘Hey, I have bad news, I’m dead,’ and I said, ‘Oh no, do you need a ride to the funeral?’ But she said, ‘No, it’s okay, my body is being shot out into outer space so you don’t need to show up or ask any questions about it."
MORE LAUGHS: Armstrong and Te'o later were both part of the show's "Weekend Update." Cast member SETH MEYERS said, “This week Lance Armstrong disappointed the last guy on Earth who still believed him.” At that point a photo of Te’o was shown on-screen. More Meyers: “During an interview with Oprah Winfrey Thursday, Lance Armstrong admitted to using banned drugs and blood transfusions to get his seven Tour de France victories, which explains why during his last two races he didn’t even need a bike. It was revealed this week that Notre Dame LB Manti Te’o, who was inspired to have a Heisman-caliber season by the death of his girlfriend, was actually the victim of an online hoax and that the girl never existed, which is not as weird as the fact that a Samoan Mormon who plays football for a Catholic school actually does exist” (“SNL,” NBC, 1/19).
