NBC’s Jay Leno: “The Super Bowl is just three weeks away and it’s pretty serious. New Jersey officials are working day and night to stop sex trafficking before the game. If anybody knows how to stop traffic in New Jersey it’s Chris Christie. … Four more states are expected to legalize marijuana this year, including California. Medical marijuana is already legal here. In fact, today medical marijuana was approved for severe nausea experienced by Lakers fans during the past couple of games. What is going on? They’ve lost 10 of the last 11 games. The Lakers are shooting so bad, Kim Jong-Un said he wouldn’t let them shoot his uncle. They are so bad, they missed their flu shots. They are so bad, Bruce Jenner was able to frown while watching them” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/13).
ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel: “Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees had a rough weekend for using performance-enhancing drugs and trying to obstruct the investigation. He’s being suspended for 162 games without pay and those are baseball games. Think about how long one baseball game is, multiply that by 162. We’re going to be living on Mars by the time A-Rod can play again. A-Rod’s suspension is the longest doping penalty in the history of baseball, so another record for A-Rod. Between A-Rod and Dennis Rodman this is a bad week for people with Rod in their name” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 1/13).
CBS’ David Letterman: “(Alex Rodriguez has) been suspended for 162 games, and I wouldn’t give his troubles to a monkey on a rock. This guy has left behind more needles than my Christmas tree. He wanted to be a better baseball player so he goes to an anti-aging clinic in Miami and he goes up to the guy and he goes, ‘What do you got?' Well, that’s where it began and then last night on '60 Minutes,’ did you see the guy on '60 Minutes’ last night? The show aired video of an actor playing Tony Bosch telling CBS’ Scott Pelley that he injected Alex Rodriguez with “human growth hormone, insulin growth factor-1, peptides, testosterone, estrogen, squid ink, some paint thinner, WD-40, maple syrup, Pert Plus shampoo and conditioner, mustard, Dijon mustard, root beer, Aqua Velva, brake fluid, baby oil, Tabasco sauce, Lysol, diesel fuel, bathroom caulk, borscht, wood glue, aerosol cheese and fabric softener” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/13).
