Lakers coach Mike Brown appeared on TBS’ “Lopez Tonight” last night and host George Lopez introduced him by saying, “Two weeks ago my first guest got one of the best jobs in professional sports.” Brown came on-stage dressed in a collared shirt, sports coat and jeans, to which Lopez said, “I love that you didn’t come out in a nine-button suit. You're California casual already.” Lopez said to Brown, “You’ve come to a place where all the attention and all the focus is on winning championships. This isn't the Bobcats, no offense. What's happening this summer is like when you see your favorite restaurant with a tarp around it and it says, ‘Under new management, under construction,’ and smoke is flying out. Right?” Brown: “I like it.” Lopez: “When the restaurant opens, tell me the food is going to be delicious.” Brown: "The food is going to be delicious and I want some bling bling” (“Lopez Tonight,” TBS, 6/7).
Boxer Sugar Ray Leonard appeared on Comedy Central’s “The Colbert Report” last night and host Stephen Colbert said, “My guest tonight is the very first boxer to earn more than $100 million in purses. Personally, I would have asked for cash.” Colbert asked Leonard, “You have a new memoir, ‘Sugar Ray Leonard: The Big Fight. My Life In and Out of the Ring.’ Do you miss the ring, sir?” Leonard: “I don't miss getting hit.” Colbert: “The key is to not get hit. Somebody should have told you that.” Colbert: “What do you think of boxing today? Because I haven't really watched much boxing since it all went pay-per-view because … you could catch a championship match accidentally as you're flipping by a station. Now you actually have to make the decision to put down the money to watch people brutalize each other. But before you just get sucked into the sweet science and the next thing you know you're punching your brother in the face.” Leonard: “It's different. Champions don't find champions anymore and there are not as many personalities and characters and champions, and there are so many self-governing bodies” (“The Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 6/7).
MONOLOGUES:
CBS’ David Letterman: “Here we are, early June, it's like 90, 95 degrees in New York City. Coming to work today, here's the problem I'm having when it gets this weather: Do you roll up the window to keep the air conditioning in or do you roll down the window to air out the driver? … I was just watching the CNN News and it was so hot today Lindsay Lohan shoplifted a fan. … How about the economy? Is it getting better or not getting better? You folks got any dough? I got no dough. You know who's got all the money? The Chinese. They've got all the money. … They're saying no president has ever been re-elected under these kinds of economic conditions. Yeah, unless they're running against Pawlenty, Romney or Gingrich. … Is it Tim Pawlenty? Is that the guy's name? I know nothing about the guy, so we got together for a little staff meeting and I said, ‘Look, let's put together a segment where we get to know Tim Pawlenty.’ So that's what we've got for you, here you go: There's actually no reason to get to know Tim Pawlenty. … The Republican candidates, these guys look like the membership committee at a restricted country club, don't they? You take a look at these Republican candidates and I bet you Barack Obama wishes he hadn't spent that money on a new birth certificate, huh? … News from the world of sports: Tiger Woods said he will not play in the U.S. Open. Thanks a lot, Weiner! … How about that Congressman Weiner, huh? This is the worst congressional scandal all week. It's crazy! … Yesterday, the Congressman held a press conference and he apologized 29 times. Twenty-nine times. And experts believe if the guy stays healthy he could beat my record” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/7).
NBC’s Jay Leno: “According to TMZ, the day after First Lady Michelle Obama unveiled the new USDA guide to healthy eating, President Obama was spotted in Ohio eating two chili dogs. That's two politicians this week getting in trouble for their wieners. … Yesterday, Congressman Anthony Weiner, now known, of course, as the ‘Peter Tweeter,’ that's who he is now, he held a big press conference at a hotel in New York City where he admitted to everything. Did you see him standing in front of that microphone? I think it was a microphone. I hope it was a microphone. … See, this is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember in the old days, Larry Craig? You had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he is in, and knock on the door. Now they send it right to your house. It's fantastic. … After 20 years the USDA has done away with the food pyramid as a dietary guideline. Well, they had to get rid of it. It didn't work. Since they came out with that thing most Americans have turned into food pyramids. Small at the top, wide at the bottom, filled with food. … In a surprise speech today, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi said he is going to fight to the death. Works for me. … The Gay Softball World Series is coming under fire because they have excluded a team because some of its players are bisexual. So if you're a switch hitter you can't be a switch hitter. That doesn't seem fair. … Some bad news: Jack Kevorkian passed away at the age of 83. Police found 182 suicide notes, none of them his” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 6/7).
LATE NIGHT LAUGHS:
Comedy Central's Norm Macdonald in his opening monologue last night said, “This week, Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz decided to end their relationship, so if either one of them wants to get a drink and have rebound sex, I am available. … Word is that NBA player Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian are expecting their first child, or as the Kardashians call babies, latest cast members. At the French Open this past weekend, Li Na became the first Chinese player to win a Grand Slam title. Of course, many of you chemistry majors may know Li Na by her full name, Lithium Sodium. … The Los Angeles Lakers have chosen Mike Brown as their new head coach. Brown said his first meeting with star player Kobe Bryant went well, but that's also what ‘You Know Who’ thought when she first met Kobe at a Colorado hotel” ("Sports Show with Norm Macdonald," Comedy Central, 6/7).
Last night’s Top Ten list was “Top Ten Things Overheard During Moammar Gadhafi’s Birthday” (“Late Show,” CBS, 6/7).
10) “The cake is rigged with plastic explosives.”
9) “The stripper is a buxom Ukrainian nurse.”
8) “Incoming!”
7) “Don’t think of it as getting older – think of it as being closer to an eternity spent writhing in hellfire.”
6) “Who wants one of my famous Muammar-garitas?”
5) “Wow, Neil Patrick Harris will host anything.”
4) “There’s a catered lunch from CAA in the 11th floor conference room.”
3) “Bad news, Sheila E. won’t be here. She’s doing ‘Late Show’ drum solo week.”
2) “We never got an RSVP from Osama.”
1) “He doesn’t like surprises since that whole Seal Team 6 thing.”
