The NFL and Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones were at the forefront of last night’s episode of “South Park,” with Jones trying to figure out a way to reverse the league’s attendance issues. The show opens with Jimmy and Timmy prepping for the “Special Ed Science Fair” by examining their new, advanced water bears. A black helicopter and several large black vehicles arrive at the school carrying Jones and his entourage, which was initially mistaken as government officials. Jones said, “We’re here to help however we can. Your special ed department has all our resources and our support. This science fair just might be what saves us all.” Jones tells Nathan, “Like you, we’ve come to realize that water bears are the key to our future.” Jones said, “I’m going to let you kids all in on a little secret. We don’t want to create a panic, but the end is very near and we have very little time.” Nathan said he and his friend Mimsy helped the water bears evolve, so they “should be the ones working for the government.” Sounding surprised, Jones said, “The government? We aren’t the government.” Nathan said, “But you said you were here to help stop us from becoming extinct.” Jones: “Not you, us. We’re with … the NFL. Our fans are leaving at an exponential rate. We’ve been hit with anthem protests, protests to those protests and worst of all, concussions. The more reports that come out, the more people that are getting turned off by football. We’ve been experimenting with water bears because we believe they are our last hope.” Nathan: “You’ve been experimenting with water bears to see how to make humans more impervious to concussions?” Jones: “No. We’ve been experimenting with water bears to try and make them ... fans.”
PACKING THEM IN: Later in the episode, a TV broadcast for a Bills-Chargers game was shown, with the game announcer noting it was a “beautiful night for football here in Los Angeles” with a “record sellout crowd here in the stadium.” The announcer said, “Football clearly more popular than ever with a whopping 17 million in attendance.” The stadium was shown with only a handful of “human” fans but millions of microscopic water bears in glass vials. The announcer: “The NFL, of course, working really hard to reach new viewers, and it looks like they’ve found their answer in tardigrades. ... And we’re ready for kickoff as the cheers of 17 million fans rock the stadium!” As the Bills kicked off, only crickets could be heard as the stadium was eerily quiet. Back at the school, the experiments continued with Jones noting they were “on the verge of a breakthrough here” with water bears beginning to wear NFL team jerseys. The science fair was ultimately cancelled, prompting Jones and his entourage to pull out guns and order everyone to continue their work on the water bears. Jones said, “I think you all fail to understand the seriousness of our situation. Football is dying.” Jones later is shown meeting with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Redskins Owner Dan Snyder and Patriots Owner Robert Kraft, with Goodell asking Jones, “Did you have any luck?” Jones: “I’m afraid commissioner, that the special ed science fair failed to produce more viable water bears.” Snyder: “Then the NFL truly has no hope” (“South Park,” Comedy Central, 11/15).
