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Volume 24 No. 156
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Late-Night Talk Shows Take Shots At Lance Armstrong's Admission To Oprah

With LANCE ARMSTRONG reportedly admitting that he used performance-enhancing drugs in his interview with OPRAH WINFREY which will air tomorrow and Friday nights, the late-night talk shows all skewered the seven-time Tour de France winner. NBC’s Jay Leno said, “According to the CDC, over 128 million flu vaccines have been administered this season. … That's almost as many injections as Lance Armstrong has gotten in his entire career. … Although he denied it for years, it was starting to become obvious. Like that one year he won the race on the stationary bike. … But Lance said he felt like a great weight had been lifted. A huge, oversized weight he never could have lifted naturally. He also told Oprah it gave him chills to talk about this, but that might have been because his blood had been in the refrigerator. The Postal Service may now sue Lance Armstrong for the $30 million they gave him to support his team. You know what Lance should do? Forget the money. Lance should give the Post Office some of those performance-enhancing drugs and maybe we'll get our mail a little quicker” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 1/15). ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel said, “Lance Armstrong is in confession mode right now. He did a two-and-a-half-hour interview with Oprah. He admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France, which is big news for anyone who loves to hear people confess things everybody already knows about. But inside sources say he refused to come clean about the doping, but then he caved when Oprah promised him a panini maker. Some believe that this apology to Oprah is nothing more than a ploy to win sympathy. I don't know. I happen to think it took a lot of ball to do that” (“Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, 1/15). CBS’ David Letterman said of Armstrong, “He goes on the Oprah Winfrey show and he admits to something that I suspected for a long time. I suspicioned this for a long time. He confesses that he in fact is a lesbian. He kept saying to Oprah -- and God bless Oprah, I think she might have been confused or perhaps poorly informed -- because Lance keeps saying, ‘Yes, I used performance-enhancing drugs. Yes, I did,’ and Oprah kept saying, ‘That's great, but tell us about walking on the moon’” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/15).

THE COMEDY STORE: Comedy Central's two late-night shows also jumped on the Armstrong story. Comedy Central’s Stephen Colbert said, “You can feel the energy in this room tonight because there is one story rocking this nation, a bombshell dropped by my hero, Lance Armstrong, master of the two-wheeler. Rumors have been swirling for years around Lance. But unlike most Americans, when times got tough for this man, I did not get off the tandem bike of admiration. No, I saddled up, rang the bell of loyalty, put down the kickstand of support and stayed in it to Schwinn it. And I’ve run out of bike metaphors. Point is, the man is a hero. He beat cancer! Then he went on to beat something even less popular, the French. But folks, yesterday he finally broke his silence in an explosive sit-down with Oprah. Now it does not air until Thursday and security around the interview has been tighter than Lance’s pants. So we know absolutely nothing about it. So of course, all the cable news networks are reporting about it.” Colbert said Winfrey “won’t tell us what Lance said.” So he noted, “If you will not tell us what happened between you and Lance, I have a responsibility as a journalist to make something up” (“The Colbert Report,” Comedy Central, 1/15). Comedy Central’s Jon Stewart said, “I believed in you, Lance Armstrong. I shelled out a dollar for a rubber bracelet that I have somewhere in my house. I did it for you, and when I think of the fact that I spent a dollar. ... Well, I think we all owe cancer an apology. Or is that not the lesson in all this? Well, Armstrong’s a cheater but it’s good news for America’s second-favorite cyclist. … Let’s call him Bikey Joe, I guess." Stewart continued, "Lance Armstrong was doping! Of course he was doping! It’s so obvious. You can beat testicular cancer. You can win the Tour de France, but you can’t win the Tour de France seven times after beating testicular cancer. Or vice versa, which would mean you won the Tour de France and subsequently lost seven testicles. That can’t happen either.” Stewart asked how can Armstrong “find his way back into America’s good graces.” With a report he may testify against others involved in doping, Stewart added, “America doesn’t really like liars, but they love a snitch” (“The Daily Show With Jon Stewart,” Comedy Central, 1/15).



TOP TEN LIST: Last night’s Top Ten list on CBS' "Late Show" was “Top Ten Other Lance Armstrong Revelations.” Letterman said, “In an interview with Oprah, after years of denial, Lance Armstrong admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs to win seven Tours de France” (“Late Show,” CBS, 1/15).

10) “Artificially enhanced his cycling shorts.”
9) “Still never leaves the house without several vials of clean urine.”
8) “Owns Texas estate known as ‘Rancho Decepto.’”
7) “Took steroids to work up the strength to admit taking steroids.”
6) “Once had an inappropriate relationship with an air hose.”
5) “Also has a tattoo of Rex Ryan’s wife.”
4) “Has given up on making the Baseball Hall of Fame.”
3) “United States Postal Service paid him in stamps.”
2) “Started erotic website, ‘Tour de Pants.’”
1) “Admitted to doping just to get on ‘Oprah.’”