"This is my body and I can do what I want to it. Everybody wants to know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on my bike six hours a day, busting my ass." — Lance Armstrong, in a voiceover for a new 30-second Nike TV spot, in which he responds to questions about him using performance-enhancing drugs (ADWEEK, 1/3 issue). "You mention Sable's name on the street, and it's probably got a higher recognition factor than Al Gore's. And she's a lot better-looking, too." — NLL Syracuse Smash GM Howard Dolgon, on a promotion featuring Rena Mero, aka Sable, as an assistant coach at the team's home opener (SYRACUSE POST-STANDARD, 1/6). "I assumed our [team] was paying homage to the Miami Beach of yesteryear by naming the team after an old Jewish guy." — MIAMI HERALD columnist Greg Cote, on the name Sol for Miami's WNBA franchise (MIAMI HERALD, 1/10). "Here I am, rejected three times. The exercise of buying an N.F.L. team is good for one's humility. You find things wrong about you that you never knew existed." — Cablevision Chair, and failed Redskins, Browns and Jets bidder, Charles Dolan (N.Y. TIMES, 1/13). "I'm not a dumb person, but I have to admit I can't get a handle on this sports business. It's so hard!" — Clippers Owner Donald Sterling (WALL STREET JOURNAL, 1/14). "If you're making $30-35,000 a year and working your rear end off, the last thing I would vote for is giving a guy making $5 million tax benefits." — Wayne Gretzky, on why the Canadian public was "overwhelmingly against" government aid to its six teams (N.Y. POST, 2/7). "Who's gonna watch a seven foot negro at 9:30 in the morning?" — Lakers F/C John Salley, hoping that his new talk show, "The John Salley Show," will air during late-night hours ("The Martin Short Show," 2/7). "His hair looks like a million bucks when he leaves here. We clean up his neck, his schnozz, his eyebrows, and he's ready to go. That's what I don't understand. When he's on TV, he looks awful." — MLB Commissioner Bud Selig's longtime barber Sal LoCoCo (BASEBALL WEEKLY, 2/9 issue). "I remember as a player, we often wondered about how much of the truth the owners were telling." — Penguins Owner Mario Lemieux, on being on the other side of the negotiating table during the next round of NHL/NHLPA CBA talks (ESPN.com, 2/16). "You know you've hit the NBA big time when Ahmad Rashad kisses your butt." — TV columnist Rob Longley, on NBC's coverage of Raptors F Vince Carter during a nationally televised game against the Suns (TORONTO SUN, 2/28). "What if I decide to scratch my butt? It's like that eye is always watching you. It's bad enough the league controls our conduct and emotion on the court." — Raptors F Antonio Davis, on the NBA's plan to experiment with cameras in the locker rooms (BLOOMBERG NEWS, 3/6). "If there's an oxymoron of endorsement deals, this is it." — GOLF WORLD's Geoff Russell, on John Daly's deal with "healthy beverages" maker SoBe (GOLF WORLD, 3/10 issue). "Hi everybody and welcome to our show, where we promise no gratuitous takes, no 'Boo-Yahs' or any of that pedestrian fare. This is a class joint." — CNN/SI's Fred Hickman, during his introduction to "Sports Tonight" (CNN/SI, 3/21). "Peter Vecsey is an idiot. I wanted to do some research on Peter Vecsey's background, and I saw an interview he did where he calls himself a journalist. And if he's a journalist, we're all in trouble." — Prospective Mavs Owner Mark Cuban, on the NBA analyst (FT. WORTH STAR-TELEGRAM, 3/24). "Ride or die, Mark. Come into the studio, Mark. I challenge you to come into the studio, and we will handle this verbally or whatever." — TNT NBA studio analyst Peter Vecsey, on Cuban calling him an "idiot" ("NBA on TNT," 3/28). "The pain, the torment, the absolute torture! How do the owners of the Chicago Cubs get through it?" — Clippers Owner Donald Sterling, on his team, which has had just one winning season in his 18-year tenure (SI, 4/17 issue). "I can just imagine these broadcasts: 'It's complete over the middle, he's at the 15, the 10, oh, he's whacked by a folding chair and down at the seven. Credit the stop to the free safety wearing the studded mask, Captain Doom.'" — Bob Costas, on the XFL ("Tonight Show," NBC, 4/17). "Imagine being sprayed by wiener shrapnel. I would have died." — Blue Jays fan Sarah Higginson, a vegetarian, on the team's Hot Dog Blaster promotion, which inadvertently launched fragmented pieces of hot dogs and buns into the SkyDome crowd (NATIONAL POST, 4/20). "For those ESPN employees who can afford to buy a newspaper, it's a godsend." — FSN's Keith Olbermann, on the net running recruitment ads in two CT newspapers (L.A. DAILY NEWS, 5/19). "Invite 10,000 Cajuns anywhere, serve 'em beer and tell 'em there's gonna be a fight, and they'll fill the place up." — ECHL Louisiana IceGators fan Gary Elliott, on the team leading the ECHL in attendance in each of their first four seasons (TIME, 5/29 issue). "I would love to do it with Marv, I must say. I'm not sure if we should do the women's matches right off the bat." — John McEnroe, on broadcasting with Marv Albert at Wimbledon (CBS, 6/19). "We've gone out of our way to downgrade asthma as a major story of sacrifice." — NBC Sports Chair Dick Ebersol, promising that NBC's Olympics coverage won't be as sappy as in the past (L.A. TIMES, 6/29). "I didn't want a massive gaffe that Rudy Martzke would jump out of his couch in his undies and start pointing at the screen." — Dennis Miller, during his "MNF" debut (ABC, 7/31). "Norm has recognized, as a businessperson does, that people who send money actually should have a say in what they get in return." — John Hancock CEO David D'Alessandro, on USOC CEO Norm Blake's treatment of sponsors (BUSINESS WEEK, 8/28 issue). "The name Hitmen conjures up images of Tony, Silvio and Paulie Walnuts whacking Big Pussy and throwing his weighted body into the ocean." — The N.Y. POST's Tom Cullen, on the XFL naming its N.Y./NJ franchise the Hitmen (N.Y. POST, 8/25). "I told him we'll see what we can do about moving the sun." — Redskins owner Daniel Snyder, on a season-ticket holder complaining that the sun was in his eyes at the 50-yard-line seats he requested (WASHINGTON TIMES, 9/14). "She is still REALLY REALLY LIVE." — ABC's graphic under Robin Roberts reporting live on "Good Morning America" from the Sydney Games' Opening Ceremonies (9/15). "This ain't for kids with action figures, this is for the hard-core niggas." — 76ers G Allen Iverson, on his expletive-filled new rap album called "Non-Fiction," tentatively due to be released in February (PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER, 10/1). "Back in '73, we rolled a couple of doobies and smoked them together." — Former MLB P Bill Lee, on supporting TX Gov. George W. Bush (Montreal GAZETTE, 11/6). "You shook his hand? I hope you checked for your watch on your wrist." — FSN's Chris Myers, to Jay Mohr, after Mohr met agent Drew Rosenhaus ("NFL This Morning," 12/3). "I just couldn't foresee Mr. Rooney coming out of retirement and quarterbacking us any time this season." — Steelers coach Bill Cowher joking about Penguins Owner Mario Lemieux, and Steelers Owner Dan Rooney (POST-GAZETTE, 12/8).
