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Laugh Track: A Bit Pitchy

CBS’ Stephen Colbert: “Today we learned that Trump is violating another norm because he won’t throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals' Opening Day. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s worried his hands are too small to palm a baseball. … He’ll have to chest-pass it. … Since Taft, every president other than Jimmy Carter has thrown out the first pitch of the season opener. For God’s sake, that means FDR did it. Let that sink in. Not only did FDR beat Hitler in World War II, he also struck him out.” Colbert: “I’m surprised that Trump won’t throw out the first pitch because he’s clearly a huge baseball fan.” The broadcast then aired a clip of Trump singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” during the seventh inning of a Cubs game, with Colbert noting, “Are we sure that’s not the tape Putin is blackmailing him with? Because, I don’t know about you, but I would rather have somebody pee on me than hear that again” (“Late Show,” CBS, 3/29).

TBS’ Conan O’Brien: “President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the Opening Day pitch for the Washington Nationals. For some reason Trump doesn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of large Hispanic men holding baseball bats.” O’Brien noted actress Kristin Cavallari, wife of Bears QB Jay Cutler, “posted a nude photo of him on Instagram. The last thing Bears’ fans need to see is another Jay Cutler sack” (“Conan,” TBS, 3/29).

During last night's “Tonight Show Screengrabs” segment, host Jimmy Fallon displayed a screengrab from CNN’s website: “The top one says, ‘North Korea fires projectiles, Serena Williams fires back.’ My money’s on Serena” (“The Tonight Show,” NBC, 3/29).

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